Depressive episodes could sometimes be experienced as an inner voice that keeps beating us up and criticizing our every moves. It can come in the form of self-attacking acts when we have difficulties feeling safe socially and internally.
We might be concerned with others’ thoughts and feelings about us – for example, disapproval, blame, judgment and angry reactions from others. As a result, we may tell ourselves: “Everyone hates me. I do not belong. They would leave once they find out about the real me.”
Alternatively, self-attacking may focus on our self-evaluations. Some of us may see ourselves as inferior, inadequate, wrong, flawed, undesirable and unlovable. In these situations, we tell ourselves “I am a failure. I am doomed. Life will never get better. I am forever alone.”
These depressive inner voices often involve a sense of shame. It’s about me, telling myself that “I don’t like myself” or even worse, “I hate myself.” It’s the worst kind of rejection because we have nowhere to hide from the disapproving gaze and critical words that come from our own mind.
Depression is therefore often related to withdrawal: When I hate myself, it’s like nothing matters anymore. When I tell myself I’m a failure, there’s no point to try. When I believe no one would ever accept the real me, why would I bother to talk about myself? Retreating seems to be the “logical” choice.
However, if retreating to our own world is the solution, we should feel settled and at ease. On the contrary, depression is often characterized by angst. It often also comes with thoughts like “How can I ease the pain? If only life could be different. I wish I could be like everyone else.”
Remember these thoughts reflects that, however small the voice may be, part of you could still wish you well. This part of you knows you are suffering, and believes you deserve a better life. Sometimes, therapy is about strengthening these positive intentions for ourselves inside our mind.
When you catch yourself thinking “I can’t go on like this”, notice that it means the compassionate part of your brain is trying to help you. Pay attention to the time when you start falling into the spiral of self-attacking and self-criticisms. Remind yourself: “The harsh words I say to myself may not be true.” Recall a time when someone treated you with kindness. Remember that you deserve care and love.
Start with something small. Live each day well is also act of self-compassion. Wake up at a regular time whenever you can. Eat healthy food. Go out for a walk. Practice mindfulness. Join an interest class. Do not wait till you “feel like doing it”. Do these for your self-care and once it becomes a routine, your motivation would increase as the inertia to change eases.
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