A few days ago I asked my friend for a picture of us that she took on her phone. She was unwilling to do so, explaining that she looked awful in it and editing did not help. From what I remembered, we both looked okay when I had a quick glance of it. My reassurance was, however, of limited use and she was anxious that I would post it on social media. When she finally sent me the picture, I can’t see a problem with it at all. It may not be the one that you would use as a profile picture, but it was a perfectly fine selfie. Part of me pondered, why the fuss?
Then I recalled I often complain that my husband never fails to take pictures of me from the worst possible angle – an observation that he passionately denies every time. When he asked what was an acceptable angle to take a picture, unfortunately I could not give a concrete answer – from some angle I look fat, from some angle I look short, from yet another angle I look weird or my hair looks bad etc. Being the loving and kindhearted person he is, my husband learns to cope by taking more than 10 shoots from every angle he could think of. As you could imagine, sometimes I secretly dislike all the pictures despite his efforts. I don’t blame him, of course, as I know the problem lies in my mind, not his photography skills.
Self-objectification theories argue that we are aware of the constant social gaze and judgment form others regarding our appearance. As a result of the ongoing pressure, we begin to see ourselves as objects to be evaluated and habitually monitor our face and body while imagining how we look in others’ eyes. Body dissatisfactions emerges when we perceive discrepancies between “how we look” and “the desired ideal in others’ eyes.”
I may see myself as an independent woman with free will and a healthy self-concept. I may think that I am focusing on whether I like how I look in the picture or not. If so, why would I see problems that no one else seem to mind, just like my friend did with how she looked in our selfie? After all, I see spreading self-compassion as a core value in my psychology career. What stopped me from embracing my true and natural looks then?
Could it be that I have subjected myself to objectification unconsciously when I look at my own pictures because I am also considering the possibility of sharing it on social media? Holding the social gaze in mind, I could have started to analyze my look in details and gauged for issues automatically. As I have repeated numerous times with my clients, in the objectifying mind, “the desired ideal” often becomes out of touch with the actual expectations coming from others. Instead, it becomes a black-or-white, all-or-none dichotomy: I don’t approve of it unless I look gorgeous in it. It means nothing if I look fine or alright – I may keep it in my phone, but never for sharing.
There’s nothing wrong with desiring to present our best to others, but could it be that we are not very accurate in imaging others’ thoughts regarding our appearance? Of course, by saying this I am referring to people who actually cares about us like our family and friend, not abusive persons who enjoy finding faults with our look. After all, those who holds genuine concerns for us look at us as a whole person, not as a face to be commented and judged.
Furthermore, I share a picture because I want to let my family and friends know where I have been to and what’s happening in my life – in the same way that I enjoy checking their updates and learn that they are doing fine, especially when we are not able to catch up often. If “keeping in touch” is the original intention of my online presence, why would it matter if I look ravishing or not?
One core criticism to the objectifying culture is that we are not objects to be consumed and valuated. We are human beings with voices and ideas to be heard, understood, treasured, and valued. Next time when I am not happy with my husband’s picture of me, maybe I should remind myself, this is just a record of my life and my friends are probably more interested in learning what happened, what we did, what I thought and how I felt instead of how I look in the picture. Keep the main thing the main thing: Sharing is about communication and connection, not ranking and perfection.
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