Compassionate Living Psychology

When we were small, we depended on our caretakers to survive. They fed us, bathed us, kept us warm, played with us, protected us from harm, calmed us when we were upset, tended to our wounds when we fell, brought us to the doctor when we were sick etc.

Caring, emotionally attuned and responsive caretaker helps children to form an internal working model that others are reliable, help is available and the world is mostly safe. As long as you ask – or cry – someone will come for you and show you how to restore the order in life. This is also called secure attachment. With recurrent and consistent coaching on how to regulate upsetting life events, the internal soothing system gains stimulation and experiences conducive to its development and maturation so that when the child grows up, it is more likely to function independently and efficiently whenever necessary.

On the contrary, caretakers who only respond to children’s needs intermittently can leave them with a working model that others are unpredictable, help could be withdrawn anytime and there is no guarantee to safety. In other words, you never know if help will come this time and you could only keep trying for your luck. Growing up this way, one tries to hold onto whatever support and concern available now since you never know what lies in the future when you signal for help again. This is also termed anxious attachment.

Finally, children who grow up under rejecting, distant and dismissive caretakers would develop beliefs that others are aloof, help is unavailable and the world is not safe unless one watches out for oneself: you can try for a million times but no one would be there to care for you. As a result, children learn that it is meaningless to seek help and carry no hope on receiving care and kindness from others. This is also called avoidant attachment

Understanding attachment needs is helpful in managing interpersonal relationships.

1. If I am the one struggling with the impact of anxious or avoidance attachment, I need to remind myself that there is a chance I am projecting my childhood experiences onto people around me. I may easily accuse my partner of being unfaithful or act in clingy and demanding ways around my friends, but remember that my fears may not be true and understand how my suspicions and actions could drive people away.
   
2. If, owing to my avoidant attachment style, I often keep a distant from everyone in my social circle and act in a cold manner, notice how hiding behind an invisible wall satisfy my immediate needs to feel safe but sacrifice my deeper yearnings for companion and social intimacy. Take a breath and tell myself gently, “I am acting like this because I am scared. It is unfair to my friend/my partner if I just assume that they would abandon me. Give them the benefits of doubt before jumping to conclusion. Take a breath, press my feet onto the ground, remind myself that I live in the here and now. I will be alright.”
   
3. If, alternatively, my friend or partner is the one struggling with anxious and avoidance attachment, before I take offence at them, I shall remind myself that “I am upset by the way they act, but I do not have to assume they are doing it deliberately and intentionally. Maybe they are scared. Maybe they are yearning for reassurance. Maybe they are feeling helpless. Think of the wonderful person they are when they are not acting in fears driven way. I can try telling them, I am here. I can give them space to calm down and get used to my presence.”

Attachment issues are not uncommon and getting over them is like quitting an old habit. It takes awareness, commitment, and patience. It’s not our fault that we grow up to feel insecure in social relationships but we are no longer the helpless child in the past. In the presence, it is our decisions and actions to change that matters.

---

Follow me on instagram @msiyashi

Check out my website for compassion focused therapy resources