Compassionate Living Psychology

Social safeness refers to a felt sense of being safe derived from meaningful affiliations as well as the support and care one receives from stable social relationships.

Sometimes we could interpret social cues to be more threatening than they really are. For example, we could misinterpret silence in a conversation to be signs of disapproval, assume a friendly smile to be a condescending smirk and believe slow response to contact to be sign of abandonment.

That could happen to anyone occasionally but we are generally able to bounce back so these misunderstanding would not harm our stable and reciprocal relationships with others and we still feel safe socially despite the occasional hiccups.

It is, however, problematic when the misinterpretation becomes a recurrent pattern. Upbringing experiences and life events like abuse, bullying, betrayal or significant failure could also sensitize our threat system to perceived threat when, objectively, none exists.

A common psychological impact of these events is that we see ourselves as inadequate and inferior while others are desirable and powerful but unpredictable: even if we are accepted now, we can lose favour in the future. Therefore, we constantly watch out for signs that this is happening.

We need stable affiliation and care to feel safe socially, therefore, when we expect to lose our interpersonal connections once superior others lose interests or notice unfavourable aspects of us, our need of social safeness is chronically in threat.

There’s nothing we could do to predict and control others’ acts, but think about this again: why would I want to be friend with someone who could withdraw the care and concern they had for us anytime they wish?

1. Perhaps it’s not that those who feel safe socially are immune from threats of abandonment and betrayal, but that they decided those who would withhold acceptance anytime at their whim are not the affiliations they look for.
2. When we feel insecure, instead of worrying what others may do, try to focus on ourselves: Have I been saying things to myself that I would never say to others? What would a kind and accepting person say to me in this situation? How did I cope with this in the past? What’s the fair thing to say to myself?
3. Remember that you could strive to be the best and kindest person you could be, but you could never please each and everyone. The key to feeling safe socially is, perhaps, to feel safe about ourselves, our uniqueness, and our values.
4. Try to repeat these phrases when you feel anxious for others’ approval: I love and respect myself, treat others with sincerity and acceptance, and expect others to do the same. Yes, it hurts when someone turn their back on me with no reason, but the blame is on them.

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