Compassionate Living Psychology

We all desire to be valued and loved. In fact, to feel accepted and belonged is one of our basic needs. Ironically, when we do feel cared for, some of us could react to these cues with fears.

As part of our innate learning capacity, when stimulus B repeatedly happens closely after stimulus A appears, our brain would associate the two and instruct our body to get prepared for stimulus B automatically at the sight of stimulus A.

For someone who had inconsistent or rejecting caretakers, or who had experienced interpersonal trauma and betrayal by someone close, figures who provided us with care and kindness (stimuli A) can become associated with dismissal, neglect, loneliness or threat-related feelings like sadness and anxiety (stimuli B).

As a result, in the future when the person meets someone else who are caring and kind (stimuli A), they feel stressed and the threat system gears up for hurt or even drive them to reject care from others (stimuli B) because it is “too good to be true” according to their past experience and learning history in interacting with other human beings.

In other words, those of us who had an unfortunate past with social relationships can retreat when they do meet someone who can offer the love and acceptance they had been yearning for. The contradictory reaction could even feed into inadequate feelings when the person blames themselves for “being ungrateful” and “driving friends away”. As a result, instead of feeling safe and contented when they come across someone who is nice and considerate, the person might fall into a negative spiral of avoidance, depressive self-blame and anxiety.

If this happens to you,

1. Try not to take any action that you may later regret. Do not cut off from the person out of impulse or accus them of things that they “may do in the future.”
2. Take a moment to review your relationship with the person. How long have you known the person for? Had the person been acting consistently throughout the period? Had there been times when the person acted in self-centered way so far? Is the person there for you when you needed? Do you think the person listen to what you say respectfully and patiently? Are there tines when you felt your value undermined or your needs ignored when you interact with the person?
3. Use a paper to write down objective evidences that the person is being genuinely kind to you versus evidences that the person holds malice intention and would hurt you like what you have experienced in the past.
4. If you find that you have more evidences that the person is acting genuinely, (or that you have no evidence the person is untrustworthy), try to remind yourself “I am feeling stressed and anxious because my body is reacting to the memory of a past trauma, not the present.” Take a breath and practice grounding or mindfulness exercises to help you focus on the current moment.
5. Instead of keeping a distant from the person, remember that your anxiety and threatened feeling would subside gradually when you allow yourself to focus on cues that the person is consistently available and hold genuine care and concern for you. When necessary, go through the list of evidences you have written down as a reminder.

---

Follow me on instagram @msiyashi

Check out my website for compassion focused therapy resources