Who doesn’t want to be remembered and loved? It hurts when you drift apart with a friend and later realize that this friend had found a new social circle and together they seem to be having fun and doing all the things you used to do together.
You try to recall why you drifted apart but most of the times there were no apparent reason. You didn’t quarrel but you just stopped seeing each other. You may have tried to reach out but to your disappointment, there was no reply to your text or it was just a few-words response without much enthusiasm.
It feels like you have simply been “replaced” and that sense of rejection could be difficult to digest. There might be sadness, when you recall how you used to think the friendship would last forever. The sadness could be mixed with regret, when you realize the yet-to-be-implemented plans you made together would never materialize.
There might also be anger, arising from the perception that you were betrayed by the friend. You don’t understand how it happened hence thoughts like “they have changed” start to trigger resentment in your mind. You might experience a dilemma where part of you still long for the chance of rebuilding the friendship but at the same time part of you try to demote the importance of the relationship out of the bitterness of unreciprocated intention to keep in touch.
The mixed feelings could also give rise to a sense of withdrawal, especially if this is not the first time it happens. Worse, when we fail to resolve the crisis and form a closure with “the lost friendship”, some might start to wonder if that’s “my fate and not a single friend would stay in my life.” From a psychological point of view, this kind of personalizing thoughts are often the culprit of longer-term emotional distress and depressive feelings.
It might help to remind yourself that a shrinking social circle is not an experience limited to you. In fact, it is a common experience as we grow older. Life experiences, career development and stages of life can greatly influence and shape our interest and living habit. As a result, we may no longer share the same lifestyle, our views and beliefs may start to take separate paths and the matters that concern us could become very distinct.
It hurts when we believe that our friend cut us off and found new friends. However, remember that drifting apart is often not be a conscious choice. It can happen naturally without evaluation if someone “deserves” to remain to be a friend. It is possible that our old friends have changed, but we are continuously evolving, too. In the friend’s eyes, it could be us who was pulling away from the friendship.
The fact that losing friends as we age is common does not make it less sad. However, we can always preserve a sense of hope. We simply cannot predict how the future would be. It is still possible to re-connect in a later life stage and the great memories you used to share can serve as a strong foundation to restore the relationship when your paths cross again. In the meantime, we could still send our blessings to the long-lost friends.
My dear old friend, we may no longer spend time together, but I sincerely wish you to be happy, safe, healthy and at ease.
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