Compassionate Living Psychology

In my days as a clinical psychologist in training, my professors made sure they deliver the message of “do no harm” to the class from day one. Putting the uncommon cases where people harm and manipulate others deliberately, kind-hearted people can sometimes engage in practices that that they genuinely or even passionately believed to be beneficial and helpful yet eventually caused unexpected harm to the person they were trying to help. Not noticing one’s limitation and encouraging others’ over-sharing of their struggle without adequate skills to help the person to contain their emotions and compose themselves is one of the many reasons that this happens.

The risk of causing harm unintentionally is not limited to mental health professionals. When our family or friends come to us for advice, it is only natural that we want to help. We want to know what happened to them and we often encourage them to talk. This is especially true when we recognized that suppression of feelings is not the best option and acceptance of feelings is to be encouraged.

While these are true, we should remember that every time someone share their innermost feelings and experiences with us, they are putting themselves in a relatively vulnerable position based on their faith and trust in us. They may be looking for understanding, help, or comfort, but they are also taking a risk that the sharing would backfire. Apart from the obvious risk of being judged for what they said or the chances that expectation of confidentiality is violated, they are also betting that we would not withdraw from the relationship because we find their problem too much to handle. It is therefore is a situation that we should handle with care.

Of course, it does not mean that we are responsible for someone else’s mental well-being simply because we have heard their stories and struggles. However, before we invite someone to reveal their most intimate thoughts and feelings to us. Ask yourself, am I prepared to follow up on how they are coping and offer a hand or an ear after our encounter today? Afterall, we do not want people we care to feel “abandoned” after confiding in us. Some people, especially those with attachment issues, are particularly susceptible to over-sharing of their personal life history and experiences. However, at the same time, they are also sensitive to signs of abandonment. Remember that we could show support without encouraging those in needs to spill everything out at once.

For example, after the initial sharing, rather than keep going deeper into their internal world, we can say something like “I feel so sad hearing what happened to you” to show empathy; ask them “how’s your appetite and sleep now” to explore their current functioning; check with them “are there times that you feel calmer” to get an idea of how they are coping with their stressor; offer validation like “it seems to me that you have done the best you could” when appropriate; and share personal insight like “sometimes I consciously remind myself to be kind to myself, especially when I am struggling and start to say harsh words to myself”.

The core principle is to show understanding, validate their experiences, and help them to ground to the presence so they could cope with the situation without triggering intense distress that we might not be well-trained to handle. Most importantly, if you heard anything alarming that makes you worry about your friend, family, or people around, do not ignore your gut feelings and remember to seek help from qualified professionals.

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