Do you take complimenting others seriously, or do you mechanically tell others “You are great”? Promoting a culture of showing appreciation and positive feedback is definitely a desirable trend, yet giving out generic compliments blindly can sometimes result in recipients disregarding these positive feedbacks while feeling uncertain about other’s “true view”. For the anxious ones, such uncertainties can lead to catastrophizing imaginations like “They don’t really like me” or “They may be laughing at me in the back if I take their words at face value.”
Giving concrete feedback and specify what you appreciate about someone can help to clear the confusion. Rather than “That’s great work”, comments like “I like that it is clear and easy to use” would be more reassuring and confidence boosting. Similarly, compliments like “Your abilities to chat with people easily can greatly help you to make an informed guess on their preference” can be more encouraging than a phrase like “You have good potential to work with people”
When we struggle to find something specific to say, we are more likely to make vague comments like “you showed great effort.” Assuming that it is not a white lie and the person indeed worked hard, what about the person’s qualities and strengths that enable them to show such dedication to their work? Can it be that the person is resilient in face of difficulties and setbacks? Or can it be that the person is responsible so they would not back off even when it comes to things that they may not be good at?
Giving more precise and specific feedback can help the person to identify their strengths. Descriptions like “able to chat with people easily”, “resilient” and “responsible and would not back off” not only provide recognition to their accomplishment, but also the person can begin to brainstorm how they can apply these positive characteristics onto other aspects of life. I have had clients recalling compliments like these from their teachers or supervisors in the past that actually became one of the pillars supporting their faith and trust in themselves when they go through challenging times, long after the original context when they received the encouragements.
“What comes from the heart, goes to the heart” is my favourite quote, written by a poet Samuel Taylor Coleridge. When I was still a trainee psychologist, I picked up my daily coffee and this was printed on the cup sleeve. I used to tell myself that even when my clients need time to process their pain and shift their way of approaching matters, I need to believe that the honest and sincere advice and company I offer can make a difference. Similarly, when I start to take up a supervisory role in the profession, I tell myself that genuine compliments and feedback can leave an impact that extends beyond the present moment into the future. For me, this is my way of trying to bring the best out of people.
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Compassionate Living Psychology 
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