Compassionate Living Psychology

From a Compassion Focused Therapy perspective, our anxious self is part of the threat system functioning that strive to protect us from physical and social threat. It is most often triggered by unknown, uncertainties or reminders of negative past experiences.

Sometimes, people struggling with anxiety might ruminate about events or become paralyzed with worries that others find unrealistic or unbelievable. For them, what the anxious voice says often surround certain themes reflecting their greatest fears which are often related to upbringing experiences or past traumatic events. It is not by choice that their mind process happenings and look at the future in a way different from those not having gone through the same ordeal.

For example, after years of growing up under critical and harsh caretakers, one might have internalized their disapproving voices and become hypervigilant for potential disapprovals, rejection, criticism and ridicules. Often described as having self-esteem issues, no matter how well they are doing right now, they could still be fearful of losing the favor and recognition they enjoy at the moment.

Alternatively, overprotective and anxious caretakers could cultivate a thinking style where one habitually perceive things to be more dangerous than it really is. They could become excessively fearful that hazards are hidden everywhere and are preoccupied with accidents that could happen to them or people they care. Some might be described as “paranoid” but they are usually aware that the accidents in their mind may not happen. However, that do not stop them taking all the precautions they could to prevent accident from ever happening.

Survivors of abuse and bullying could, understandably, become particularly weary of signs of betrayals, rejection and disapprovals that could lead to re-experiencing of the social trauma. They can be perceived as oversensitive to others’ words, actions or even minor facial expressions. Some of them might give a clingy or people-pleasing impression when they overinterpret these minor social cues. At the other extreme, some can be considered cold and distant when they withdraw into their own world out of anxiety. To them, however, the risk of trusting the wrong person is simply a price that they cannot bear to pay.

Similarly, past failed venture would heighten one’s resistance to uncertainties and reluctance to take up challenges out of worries about repeating the failure, embarrassing oneself or leading to another financial catastrophe. Circumstances might have changed and one might have learnt form the earlier failure, but the “what-ifs” are scaring enough to put them off trying to step out of the comfortable, predictable, and safe zone.

Finally, one could also become sensitized to cues of threat via vicarious learning. For example, witnessing others falling seriously ill, the fear might become imprinted in one’s mind so that they become concerned and panic over the tiniest sign of illness. The more similarities we share with the person going through the difficulties, the more likely that witnessing the incident would leave an impact in our appraisals of events. If it happened to them, who says it would not happen to us?

1. If the above applies to you, remember that it’s not your fault. Common to these fears underlying anxiety is that they revolve around predictions and expectations of what might go wrong in a later time. There is always a “future” ahead when the feared outcome might happen.
2. It is therefore not always helpful to argue with our anxious mind how valid our worries are. Our anxious mind can always rebut, “if it did not happen, maybe it’s just because it had not happened yet.”
3. Perhaps it would be more helpful to recruit our compassionate mind, the part of us that genuinely wish the best for us.
4. Ask the question: Do I want to live my life driven by fears and anxiety alone? Is this the best life that I could have? Is there something more that I could have done or experienced if only I would allow myself to take a little bit of risk?
5. Be kind to yourself. Close your eyes, place one hand on your chest, and tell yourself gently: “I did not choose to be anxious. It’s not my fault that my inner voice says these things to me. Yet there is something more in life that I could achieve if only I allow myself to take some risk. I do not have to act immediately. I can start from making a promise to myself that I shall try making plans to face my anxiety.”

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